Well I have been struggling to write my first post back to RaeTaylor. Last year hit me hard – not in a bad way – more in a way of “We are going for the winning goal and the forward is coming in – and as the puck I’m cringing waiting for impact – then the hit comes and just as I see the back of the net coming to light I get ……BLOCKED” type of way.
This is the type of way where you learn a lot, you cry a bit, you laugh even more and you have a few anxiety attacks in the process – but reflecting you grew immensely. It’s like watching the game tape at the end of the game to find out where you went wrong – however, i’m playing this with my career & life.
Today I ran into an old High School friend – who is very involved in the Hockey Community – always has been and probably always will be – he’s made his own career out of this. Weird thinking that it’s been 10 years since we graduated and here we were – at a Starbucks talking about our careers. I love when people say “You are travelling so much and you seem to be everywhere!” – travelling for work is not as it seems – am I grateful – yes, was it as amazing as I am sure some people think – not overly.
I’m sure it’s the same reaction he has when people go “That so cool you get to skate around with the Calgary Flames and always have to be on call to be ready to go on the ice” We laughed at how it’s not always as it seems.
Off with my London Fog I go to the next impromptu meeting I have – with an amazing business man who launched a very successful car business at the age of 21 and just celebrated his 29th birthday.
What a stark contrast in meetings I am in for – in this meeting I get told as he points to a car on the floor “You are this Lamborghini” – who me?! you shouldn’t have! What a compliment!
“You have the body, you have the looks, the confidence and you demand attention when you walk in the room” — Go on, tell me more stuff about me – eye rolling at these typical statements from men the second they work in compliments that include “looks” & “body”.
“however, you lack the engine that this car has” SCREECH. Excuse me? I LACK AN ENGINE. I run 10 km a day – I do NOT lack an engine. All I do is think. I AM THE ENERGIZER BUNNY.
How did we go from the eye rolling compliments to a full on diss. Fine I’m intrigued – really intrigued. He continues to probe questions such as “What is your vision, what do you want, what do you get out of this – where do you go from here, is this it?!” After some intense Q & A he finally get to his point.
It was to tell me that I do no trust my own skills and I am scared of failing. Although I know that I come to the table with a lot, I lack the start – the drive – the follow through to get me there – I lack the engine.
He looks me dead in the eye and says because ” you have the body, the looks, the confidence and you demand attention when you walk in the room but no one has ever challenged you to think like this and call you on your bullshit”
Honestly, I probably have been called on my bullshit – but it’s been a while and its definitely been a minute since I have been on the go.
Being typical Kayla-Rae I wasn’t going out without some kind of fight. Just as me and my 6 inch knee high boots and I were about to walk out the door. I promptly told him that I DID NOT lack the engine – and to not discredit me like that – the engine right now is just having a hard time turning over.
He said he’d be willing to compromise but challenged me to do one thing outside of the Agency that was for me – one thing that I was failing to start at. One thing for me that I was scared to fail at.
So here I am RaeTaylor – the one thing that I want to be successful at and the one thing I dont want to fail. The tiny little blog that I truly do love – but just couldn’t find the energy to turn over.